Last weekend was the Mothers’ Day. To be exact on my side, it was my second mother’s day. I even had to remind my husband that it was mothers’ day so that we would go back to his parents’ and celebrate just with a cake or so. Too bad, he wished his mother (because I reminded him), but he didn’t even wish me at all. Sob.. sob.. sob.. So there’s a reason for not getting pregnant just yet, you didn’t wished me, dear husband! Lol!!
It has been a year that I’ve become a mother. Lets talk about the real motherhood journey here.
I gave birth to my precious son; Adam. I couldn’t breastfeed him (latched) for no longer than 6 weeks after he was born. I barely pumped because my supply was out. Totally out due to some stress when I was still in confinement days. The stress led me to no supply at all, and my son didn’t want to latch on me anymore. I miss breastfeeding. It pains me when I see people around me still breastfeed their little ones. The pain hurts so much that even now, typing this, my tears are dropping. How much I missed those bonding moments. It pains me when people compare my son; bottle-fed to those breastfed.
My son’s first fever when he was 2 months and a half. True indeed, breastfeeding delays the fever and other kind of sickness. But I was still pumping, even it was just 1 oz, I gave him to the very last drop of my breastmilk. It pains me even more seeing him that little to be sick.
My son never slept through the night. Some people bragged about their little ones sleeping through the night, but ain’t mine. It was hard at first, especially when he had sleep regression at 4 months for 2 weeks and at 8 months (the worst) for 3 weeks. At 8 months, he woke up crying for no reason, every 30 minutes at night. Don’t mention how we the parents were at that time; deprived, we were. We even had a few arguments or fights. Come on, every couple fights. Especially when they’re so craving for a solid sleep at least one night.
My son loved being held. Yes, I know. It’s a bad habit. It’s hard not to create this bad habit when you have a lot of people around your little ones who wanted to hold him most of the time. The cons; when I was with him only, I couldn’t do anything at all. He wanted to be held most of the time. I even let him cried on the floor because I had to finish the chores in the house for at least 30 minutes, and later I even grabbed him in my arms, and cried myself. Blaming myself why did I even let others gave him this bad habit, I blamed my husband. I cried in front of my husband. To the point, at 4 months old, my son fell face down on the floor from my height, because I was doing house chores and he didn’t want to be put down, I held him in the baby carrier around the house. My baby loved being held. Look at the cons. To mothers out there, never ever create this bad habit. It was so bad, that CIO couldn’t work anymore.
As much as I tried not to use the swing, I gave in. I just couldn’t do it any longer with him wanting to sleep in my arms, only in my arms. No, he was the easiest baby ever when it comes to sleep. I just had to put him in the bed, and slept on his own. Again, bad habit. I didn’t start it first. I cried again, and later my husband gave in to having a swing (which later became two swings) in our house. It was the worst few months for the three of us. We couldn’t go anywhere when it was almost his naptime or bedtime. He just wouldn’t sleep without his swing. Yes, I had to have this swing or else, I’m dying everyday. There was this one time, my husband said to give it a try to sleep at his parents’ house. As a result, everyone was sleeping, and I had to entertain my sleepy cranky baby who wanted his swing so badly. Even my MIL tried to put him to sleep, he just cried out loud struggling himself not to sleep in others’ arms. In the end, he slept at 2am after being tired crying for his swing.
Recently, I tried to not let him sleep with his swing gradually. I introduced to him bedtime routine and napping/sleeping song for his que to nap/bedtime. It worked! I even introduced reading before bedtime, so he’d differentiate which is nap time and which is bedtime. Okay, this I have to brag. Lol!!
Another bad habit we created was, him not sleeping in his crib anymore. Anything with babies/toddlers, once you introduced them something, it can either be a good habit or the bad ones. It was that one night, when husband was like, “Let him sleep with us tonight, just tonight. It won’t harm.” Oh yes it did, dear. That one night turned out to be the same in the next following nights up until now. We tried putting him back in his crib, all he did was, slept for 15-20 minutes, and woke up crying looking for us. So here we are now, still co-sleeping with our dearest son. *sigh*
Things gotten worse. Again, it was hard for us to sleep anywhere. The swing matter solved, now another thing popped up. Our little one only wants to sleep in our bed. Only. Despite of having us by his sides, he couldn’t sleep well without our bed! Oh my… On our bed, he could sleep from 8pm-5am uninterrupted sleep without any dream feed (he only started this after we changed his formula, yeayy!). Buttttt, when we went to sleep at my mom’s or husband’s mom’s, he fusses in his sleep, sometimes crying. It’s a mess. Why oh why, son? Why do you love your parents’ bed so much? 😦
Throughout this one year of motherhood journey, I had to defer my Masters studies twice; once when he was at 5 months (he was so clingy back then), and when he was at 10 months (we had some financial problem that particular month).
However, it was so fun on his weaning journey. As much as how I couldn’t wait for him to pop out of my belly, the same feeling when I couldn’t wait for him to be exactly 6 months for him to have his first taste of avocado. Yes yes yes, avocado was his first food and even his favourite of all time! Okay, I lied. I discounted his first time to have his first solid food, it was 2 days before he turned 6 months that I gave him his first solid food. Hehehehehe…
From 6 months to a year now, I was so strict on his food intake. 4 days rule and such, no salt no sugar. When he turned 1 year last month, I was like telling everyone, “Alright.. you can all give him anything.” I no longer cook for him anymore, he eats regular food. The first time he ate regular food, his face gotten swollen. I was afraid it was due to sudden increase of salt in his body, because the same thing happened to me a few times, so it runs in the blood perhaps? And recently, he had bad diarrhea to the point of he had the most worst nappy rash ever. Now, I started to be more careful of what he eats again. It isn’t fun to have a sick baby. But sometimes, it turns me down whenever I try to control his food intake, and cook for him everyday, but then see him having regular food whenever people give him some. I feel like cooking his meal and controlling whatever he eats is useless. *sigh*
Motherhood isn’t an easy task. Sometimes, there are things that you’d have to sacrifice, there are things you can’t achieve just yet. Sometimes, you just had to be firm in any decision when it comes to your baby’s matters. Sometimes, it’s hard to keep everything so perfect. It’s sometimes sickening when people complaint and compare your child to the others. The only reason why I no longer have Facebook or Instagram account was to avoid this kind of perception from the others; comparing.
I realized, being a mother made me to be a lot more sensitive when it comes to my child. I even cried behind the door, or in the toilet when someone made any negative comments about my family or my son.
Not to mention, I have not shed any pregnancy weight yet. How people around me made comments of how I look like and compare me to the others or even themselves. Sometimes they even made fun of me. I resent them, a lot. I couldn’t complete my confinement days very well, due to my son was in the NICU for the first 4 days, and at 21 days I had to go on a flight for my graduation days.
There are things that people never knew about my life, our life. To have them giving out sarcastic comments just turned me down to see any of them for no reason. Oh yes, I hate family gathering. Totally. My self esteem is no longer there with me.
I tried so hard to find time to at least workout, however the scale seems to love to jump the numbers up and down. Yes, I have no motivation at all.
I love being a mother at home, but I hate myself when around other people. It feels so good just to spend time 24/7 only with my husband and my son, cuddling in our bed.
With my son, I feel a lot more like a failure mom. So I do not deserve having to be wished ‘mother’s day‘ at all.